25 October 2008

real quick

camping was great.
i come home soon.
felt lonely lately.
better now, though.
learning lots.
growing lots.
how are you all doing?


22 October 2008

nature and the boys.

Im going camping with a few guys from ZHOP. I'm really excited about this, i think were really gonna get to rough it. I am looking forward to being inconvenienced.
We're getting up early, taking a 2 hour drive up to linville, NC gonna grab some breakfast backpack and hike a couple miles up the grandfather mountain, eat some lunch and hang out on the top of this beautiful peak, hike back down and set up camp, I am way excited about this.
I think this shall be an excursion my soul has been needing. If any body knows me, im really not an outdoors-y person. I mean I'm just not experienced in it. I love being out in it, I've just never really prepared for it. So Im giving it all I've got tomorrow. Taking my pack, alotta water, some Hummus and chips, granola, my adidas samba hiking shoes(ha!), my bible and a joyful spirit. gonna spend some time with nature and the boys.

14 October 2008

realization: I am weak and I dont Know much.

For the last couple of days God has been working on my heart. When i say working, its more like breaking. The closer I get to the Lord the more He begins to shift my mindset. Then I begin to realize how many thoughts I have that are not rooted in Him, but rooted in fear, worry or insecurity. Believe it or not God is still working on me in the same passage that He spoke to me when i got here which is Luke 10 and being like Mary. He keeps exposing areas in my heart and He shows me a new part of that Scripture or gives me a new perspective on it.

For instance, Jesus calls out Martha and says that she is "anxious and troubled about many things. . ." I must say that I am guilty of this. As I read Psalm 27 that says "Be still and know that I am God" I feel like God is saying to me, if i KNOW Him, and i mean, really, understand His ways, that i would not live in a spirit of fear/worry. And, If I understand the nature of God, that He is Good (and these are all phrases that have been good phrases to hear but have been empty to me or at least have not gotten beyond my head in the past), But if i really believe that He IS who He says He is, I would live differently.

I love looking up words at dictionary.com and I have been doing that alot with words in the Bible to gain a deeper understanding upon what they mean. And as i think about the word "Know" Knowing God really changes a person.
look it up!

1.to perceive or understand as fact or truth; to apprehend clearly and with certainty
2.to be able to distinguish, as one from another: to know right from wrong.

These are a couple of the, oh, 12 meanings of the word. I like the one that says "to be able to distinguish as one from another", and if we Know God, we would live differently because we would know when something opposes Him, like lies that we are fed from the enemy or whatever it is that is NOT God. If we know Him, know Him, then His truth penetrates our hearts and minds (especially our heart though) and we live lives worthy of His calling.

Learning alot about myself this week. Learning how God sees me and just wants to be with me. The more time I spend in the prayer room the more I see Pauls comparison to running the race. So, I find myself going from working out spiritually about maybe an hour a week to 6 HOURS a day! believe me it is NOT EASY! To be honest i find myself searching for anything else to do (like eat or check my phone or email or call winnie.), but the more I'm in Gods presence waiting for Him and searching out His heart, the more I want to be with Him and want nothing else. The reward is great!

I actually ran this week once and realized how weak i am, but it felt really good afterwards. I know that my prayer muscles are incredibly weak, and i am strengthening muscles i didnt know i had. Trying to press through even when i am empty and have nothing else to pray. This happens often, but whats great is that He doesnt care. And am realizing that i dont even care if I gain any understanding but i just want to be before Him, I dont care any more if i feel anything, because its not how much blessing I can recieve, but how much i can love on Him and bless Him. So i quite often am finding myself exhausted at the end of my days.

I hope that some sense can be made of my thoughts, i write in a somewhat stream of conscious style. I dont know whats gonna come next until im there, but i think this helped me even see what God has been doing in me.

SO i pray that God uses what little revelation I have gotten on who He is, to encourage people to pray and really seek Him.

One last thing that Jenn shared with me tonight that put some things in perspective for me, is Matthew 6:33 that says "seek first the kingdom and his righteousness and all these things shall be added to you" God calls us to seek Him, and what does it mean to "seek" Him? not that we seek answers to our problems or even seek some sort of encounter or revelation, just that we look for Him and wait for Him even when we get absolutely nothing. He loves that we seek Him. He promises in Matthew 7 that When we seek, we shall find. so thats good!

i miss my family
i miss my friends
i miss winnie

i shall return soon, the month is halfway over.


06 October 2008


So last night was a goodnight. I have spent the past 5 days in Luke 10:38 - 42 asking God to make me like Mary. And every time I have thought He was finished and I could move on from it He says "nope, not through yet." so im learning about stillness and how to sit at his feet undistracted and listen to his teaching. Listen to His spirit teach me that only one thing is necessary. Also paired with the Luke verse has been psalm 27:4.

Had a picture last night during worship that I have been satisfied with a puddle and God told me that He is a ocean. oops! so, God's taking me into some deeper waters. Im trying to stay afloat. doing well so far. I'll let you know if i begin to drown.

ZHOP staff meeting beginning soon.
thats all for now.


03 October 2008


c.1330, "to turn upside down, to overthrow," from over + M.E. whelmen "to turn upside down" (see whelm). Meaning "to submerge completely" is c.1450. Perhaps the connecting notion is a boat, etc., washed over, and overset, by a big wave. Fig. sense of "to bring to ruin" is attested from 1529.

of all the definitions i found for this word, this seems to say most of what i mean.

It is the only word that comes to mind to sum up all that is going on.
Not in the negative sense of the word, but in a great fulfilling sense, my spirit is overwhelmed.
Im learning lots. Im actually (or at least i hope) soaking it all in, there's alot to process and alot to chew on in the things that I am taking in. More than i can regurgitate, at least this soon, of what God is doing inside me.

Of the things that I am beginning to see, I am learning about meditation and breaking through what they call a veil (not a wall, but a curtain that we get to push past) in the spirit. There are some really practical teachings that have really helped me engage with God.
One of the reasons I am here is to cultivate deeper intimacy with God and as I'm beginning that, I am realizing that becase i want to know Him, what He is showing me is much different than what i expected. Its less and i might even say not at all about me feeling closer to God, but more that God wants to share with me what HE cares about. It's interesting and i dont quite understand it all of course, but 3 days in and i can feel God stirring me, and planting seeds, humbling me, and teaching me things that i never knew about Him and my relationship with Him. It almost feels like i just began my life as a christian and Im realizing that i dont know a THING! its pretty darn cool, and not discouraging.

so i believe the definition i quoted up there says" to turn upside down, to overthrow. . .submerge completely and bring to ruin" yep thats pretty true and i love it.

I am really glad i get to be here, it feels right.

On top of all of this, im just so happy and excited about my relationship with Jenn. I told facebook, so some of you know, but Jenn and I are now official after spending a number of months praying about our relationship. I think she is the best thing ever and feel completely undeserving of such a righteous woman of God and I look forward to growing in our relationship. I miss her, alot.

im gonna find some dinner and then im looking forward to getting to spend the entire evening 8-12 in the prayer room.

leave me comments, i love reading them.


01 October 2008


made it to charlotte, after only one minor complication. had an hour delay, but i'm here and im very tired.

Had a grea time tonight meeting lots of people. and i promise as soon as i can gather my thoughts i will write them for you.