realization: I am weak and I dont Know much.

For the last couple of days God has been working on my heart. When i say working, its more like breaking. The closer I get to the Lord the more He begins to shift my mindset. Then I begin to realize how many thoughts I have that are not rooted in Him, but rooted in fear, worry or insecurity. Believe it or not God is still working on me in the same passage that He spoke to me when i got here which is Luke 10 and being like Mary. He keeps exposing areas in my heart and He shows me a new part of that Scripture or gives me a new perspective on it.

For instance, Jesus calls out Martha and says that she is "anxious and troubled about many things. . ." I must say that I am guilty of this. As I read Psalm 27 that says "Be still and know that I am God" I feel like God is saying to me, if i KNOW Him, and i mean, really, understand His ways, that i would not live in a spirit of fear/worry. And, If I understand the nature of God, that He is Good (and these are all phrases that have been good phrases to hear but have been empty to me or at least have not gotten beyond my head in the past), But if i really believe that He IS who He says He is, I would live differently.

I love looking up words at dictionary.com and I have been doing that alot with words in the Bible to gain a deeper understanding upon what they mean. And as i think about the word "Know" Knowing God really changes a person.
look it up!
Know:
http://dictionary.reference.com/cite.html?qh=know&ia=luna

1.to perceive or understand as fact or truth; to apprehend clearly and with certainty
2.to be able to distinguish, as one from another: to know right from wrong.

These are a couple of the, oh, 12 meanings of the word. I like the one that says "to be able to distinguish as one from another", and if we Know God, we would live differently because we would know when something opposes Him, like lies that we are fed from the enemy or whatever it is that is NOT God. If we know Him, know Him, then His truth penetrates our hearts and minds (especially our heart though) and we live lives worthy of His calling.

Learning alot about myself this week. Learning how God sees me and just wants to be with me. The more time I spend in the prayer room the more I see Pauls comparison to running the race. So, I find myself going from working out spiritually about maybe an hour a week to 6 HOURS a day! believe me it is NOT EASY! To be honest i find myself searching for anything else to do (like eat or check my phone or email or call winnie.), but the more I'm in Gods presence waiting for Him and searching out His heart, the more I want to be with Him and want nothing else. The reward is great!

I actually ran this week once and realized how weak i am, but it felt really good afterwards. I know that my prayer muscles are incredibly weak, and i am strengthening muscles i didnt know i had. Trying to press through even when i am empty and have nothing else to pray. This happens often, but whats great is that He doesnt care. And am realizing that i dont even care if I gain any understanding but i just want to be before Him, I dont care any more if i feel anything, because its not how much blessing I can recieve, but how much i can love on Him and bless Him. So i quite often am finding myself exhausted at the end of my days.

I hope that some sense can be made of my thoughts, i write in a somewhat stream of conscious style. I dont know whats gonna come next until im there, but i think this helped me even see what God has been doing in me.

SO i pray that God uses what little revelation I have gotten on who He is, to encourage people to pray and really seek Him.

One last thing that Jenn shared with me tonight that put some things in perspective for me, is Matthew 6:33 that says "seek first the kingdom and his righteousness and all these things shall be added to you" God calls us to seek Him, and what does it mean to "seek" Him? not that we seek answers to our problems or even seek some sort of encounter or revelation, just that we look for Him and wait for Him even when we get absolutely nothing. He loves that we seek Him. He promises in Matthew 7 that When we seek, we shall find. so thats good!

i miss my family
i miss my friends
i miss winnie

i shall return soon, the month is halfway over.


arin.